Friday, April 6, 2012

Leap of Faith

Like this, but with more clothes and less ... jumping off of stuff.
I'm pretty much your typical type-A female control freak. The only difference between my madness and that of other typical type-A female control freaks is that I do not seek to control others. Only myself. It'd be kind of Zen, if I wasn't talking about being so tightly wound that the idea of being 5 minutes late to work actually makes my skin crawl.

I'm not exaggerating, either. Barring an unforeseen catastrophe, I'm always at least 15 minutes early. I maintain a detailed day planner (or two) in which I write down everything that needs to be done, I'm pretty much a neat freak, and I generally live my life according to a self-imposed schedule. I always have a plan. For everything. And a back-up plan in case the plan fails. And (occasionally, under very special circumstances) a back-up back-up, just in case. I've never had to have a back-up back-up back-up because ... well, I'm just that good.

I'm well-aware of how neurotic that all sounds. If you can believe it, I find it relaxing. To me, the world is a scary, chaotic place where anything can and does happen all the time (I spend WAY too much time reading the news). So, in an effort to stave off chaos and carve out a little peace, I seek to control what I can - myself. If I can manage that much, I figure that I can cope with all the external crazy. This usually works out pretty well for me.

Recently, though, I've found myself in a situation where no amount of diligence will make things right. This is because I am not in control of the situation and those who are ... well, they've got different priorities. So, I'm forced to do something that I've only done twice in 26 years: take a leap of faith.

My first leap of faith was coming here. The second was ... of a more personal nature, but it couldn't have happened without the first. As before, the third will require me to make a move without a sure plan, without prior knowledge of how it's all going to work out.

For me, this is terrifying.

Which is why I think it's probably the right thing to do.

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