Wednesday, April 18, 2012

You want me to put WHAT ... WHERE? (Pt 2)

So, after wrapping my mind around the concept of Clean and Dry Intimate Wash (a product meant to bleach your vadge to an irresistible sparkling shine), I began to wonder whether something like that could ever take hold here in T&T.

My first instinct (said in the most Trinbagonian way possible) was: NAH! 

Not in the land of oil and music, a place with more beautiful women per square foot than most countries have for miles. Not in a place that manages to embrace women of every shape, size and color with special names for them all (darkie, brownin', reds, tallest, lil bits, rasta, empress, famalay, etc, etc, etc). No way anyone's convincing these women that their vaginas aren't good enough just the way they are.

But then I stopped to think. Beauty insecurities exist everywhere (even, alas, in sweet T&T) and, world-wide, many things previously thought to be extreme are now commonplace, particularly with our neighbors to the north. We all know what happens when America catches a cold. That's right: vajazzling.

So is it possible? Could a product like Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, with all of its insidious implications, take root here? I aimed to find out. After all, inquiring vaginas want to know.

Naturally, I approached the situation in the most scientific way possible - which is to say that I messaged all of my Trinbagonian friends (guys and girls) who would be least likely to cringe at the sight of the word "vagina" appearing four or five times in a paragraph. Many more responded than I expected and - to my surprise - almost none of them laughed. Much. 

In polling the ladies, I was mostly curious about the insecurity itself. Had they ever thought about the color of their lady bits? Did they think that there was a "right" color? Had a man ever taken leave of his senses and commented on the color? And, of course, what did they think about the whole thing?

The responses were thoughtful, practical and amusing from ladies who had naturally felt the pressures of unreasonable expectations of beauty in one way or another. Haven't we all?

Most were generally quick to dismiss the idea of a "right" va-jay-jay color. Answers ranged from "I don't care" to "I don't even really know what color mine is" to "Who cares, so long as it's clean?" One respondent (who asked to be referred to as "MyVajAndIDon'tGiveAF***") was more concerned with the idea of an "ashy cooch" than a dark one: "Get in those creases, ladies!" she advised. Her response to the question of whether a man had ever commented on the color of her vagina was short and to the point: "Ha!"

That was pretty much the consensus, as I couldn't find a single woman who'd been told anything about the color of her vagina. Ever.  

"I think guys wanna use that vag, not look at it", said R.E., while V.I. (a self-proclaimed Potential Sex Scientist) looked at it from the perspective of anatomy and infectious disease: "as long as it has a hole and no bumps, they're good."

When it came to their impressions of the entire situation, I gave the ladies a scale from one to ten, with one being "this is quite normal" and ten being "WTF is wrong with these people?" and asked them for their comments. As you'd expect, most responses ranged from eight to about ... twenty. V.I., Sex Scientist Extraordinaire, had a warning for any woman considering this drastic action: "It's not really a flower. It's a vagina. A darker color does not mean it's dying. I reallllyyyyy don't think making it lighter will make it taste any better. I'm just saying!"

Though hilarious, none of this was surprising. Trinidad has a ways to go in regards to gender equality, but it's a far cry from Asia's perspective on the value of women. There's also a certain measure confidence that comes with being born in a country where even the PM feels comfortable enough to declare that God Himself is a Trini. 

Having received my encouraging answers from the ladies, I must admit that I was a little worried about approaching the guys. What if they had noticed color? What if they thought bleaching was a fine idea and I ended up having to blog about something else entirely? (The HORROR!)

I approached the men similarly to the way I approached the ladies, except this time I included a specific warning about the fact that there was going to be a whole lot of vagina heading their way (and not in the way they would hope). With them, I was more curious about whether color mattered at all. After all, what would be the point of going to the trouble of making sure your lady garden glows in the dark if no one ever noticed it? 

I asked the guys if they cared about the color of a woman's vagina, if there was a "right" color (and if so, what that color would be), whether they would have sex with a woman who had bleached her vagina and then I asked them to rate the whole situation on a scale from "this is quite normal" to "WTF is wrong with you women?"

I knew I had some witty gentlemen friends, but I was not prepared for what I had unleashed.

All agreed that color didn't matter, unless the color was green (or blue) and there was some sort of pus involved. Though he indicated that he'd prefer to "stay on the non-neon side of the [vagina] color palette", one respondent - who asked to be referred to as "V for Vajazzle" - was willing to make an exception for a green vagina (sans pus, of course) so long as it'd been cleared by a doctor. 

Continuing the trend, all - without fail - also admitted that they would willingly sleep with a woman who had bleached her vagina, however, it might surprise the ladies to learn that they also indicated concern for the mental state of a woman who would be willing to do so: 
I mean, if I didn't know, I'd have sex all the same. But if you tell me, I will ask why and no sex will be had until I can understand what on earth would possess a woman to bleach her vagina. And if she tells me she wanted it to 'look pretty' for my sake, then I'm gonna have nightmares. 
By far, the best insights came in response to the scale of insanity. Not only do they - as a whole - not think about this issue, but they don't understand why we - as women - would think about it. My favorite one, which managed to include threats to men and an apology to women, came from a guy we'll call B.O.B. (he knows who he is): 
Get this straight, Men of the World - nothing is wrong with a lady's vagina. And if you seriously think there is, let me bleach your penis. With hydrochloric acid. And Women of the World, I am sorry. I know that our patriarchal society is singlehandedly responsible for you thinking that you're too fat, too skinny, too dark, too pale, too tall, too short and myriad other exaggerated insecurities, including your vagina. But f*** that. It wasn't ever true, and you deserve better than this entire planet if our society is fixin' to tell you that your body - the very Breath of Life of every human - is yet again in need of some chemical reorganization. In short: DO NOT LET THE PATRIARCHY REUPHOLSTER YOUR PUSSY.
'Nuff said.

Either I have some incredibly evolved male friends or we've got absolutely nothing to worry about, ladies.  

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